To my followers:
I wish so bad I had something happy to write, to encourage you, lift you up, make you feel hope isn't gone, but sadly, I have the opposite right now.
I havent "moped" in quite some time now, but moping is all I want to do today.
Last night, I went to a jewelry party & the hostess said "Nobody in this room has children do they?" A couple of my girlfriends raised their hands & right at that moment, I wanted to burst into tears. Why? Who knows. Is it logical? No. Is it crazy? Yes, I believe so. But, for whatever reason, at that moment, something clicked in me & now I'm officially in "pity party" mode.
Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's legitimately time to feel sorry for myself. I don't know.
All in all, it's how I feel & I hate it. I consider myself a pretty strong, overcoming being, but when I feel this way, it makes me feel weak & alienated.
Who wants to be around somebody with a semi-permanent chip on their shoulder? Nobody, that's who.
It may be because we are basically NTNP right now, because for the last two months & this month, Dylan is/will be MIA during "prime time".
So, I can't even be proactive until October & that's a big "IF". I never knew how crazy it would drive me, this "waiting" game. I'm no good at it.
To top it off, I'm just "torturous" enough to come home from the party ( The jewelry, not the pity, I'm still on that) & start looking up baby items (Cloth diapers, carseat covers, baby bedding, etc). I haven't done that in well over a year. It's unhealthy, but in a weird, unlogical way, it made me feel closer to my ultimate goal. Reminded me what I'm fighting against all odds for.
I know in Gods time, whatever is to be, will be, but right now, at this moment, I am hurting. I am drained. I am tired. ((sigh))
I know how you feel. :( We are basically in NTNP mode right now because Jeremy has other things he wants to focus on money wise and it hurts. I apologize over and over for being infertile and having to spend so much money on things that haven't worked.
ReplyDeleteI was in Target last month and started crying because I was trying to pick out something for my friends daughters 1st birthday and seeing other women with those zapper guns putting things on their wishlist with big bumps. It hurt a lot. :(
However, despite that I still have my own wishlists picked out and add and delete items sometimes. Makes me feel more prepared for what it is I want for them when it finally does happen. So we can be crazy and weird together okay?
-Dez
(Stupid openID)
Dez- Thank you for taking the time to respond! It means alot to know people care! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you guys are having a rough time, as well. Hopefully, one day, we are blogging about our babies. :)
*Hugs* I've BTDT many times & it hurts! You know, I was just reading a GREAT book last night-Empty Womb, Aching Heart by Marlo Schalesky-& one story in particular touched me... the gist of it is that sometimes it's RIGHT to cry (in order to let God heal your heart). Besides even Jesus wept. If you ever get a chance to pick this book up & read it, I highly recommend it. It, to me, is like those chicken soup books but this one could be called, "Chicken Soup for the Infertile Soul". It is filled with real-life stories of infertility... not all have a happy ending but you can see the silver lining in all the stories. I have loved it. =)
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to cry, just don't stay there too long & let Satan steal your joy. *HUGS*
I'm sorry. Sometimes you just need to have a pity party. I find that letting myself look at baby things or plan for kids helps me be more positive about ttc. Somehow it sparks something in me and then I get up and start working out and doing things that may help me ovulate. Big hugs!
ReplyDeleteI should add that this is Baby_Hopes...
Thank you, girls! :)
ReplyDeleteI will most definitely look into that book!