To my followers:
I wish so bad I had something happy to write, to encourage you, lift you up, make you feel hope isn't gone, but sadly, I have the opposite right now.
I havent "moped" in quite some time now, but moping is all I want to do today.
Last night, I went to a jewelry party & the hostess said "Nobody in this room has children do they?" A couple of my girlfriends raised their hands & right at that moment, I wanted to burst into tears. Why? Who knows. Is it logical? No. Is it crazy? Yes, I believe so. But, for whatever reason, at that moment, something clicked in me & now I'm officially in "pity party" mode.
Maybe it's hormones, maybe it's legitimately time to feel sorry for myself. I don't know.
All in all, it's how I feel & I hate it. I consider myself a pretty strong, overcoming being, but when I feel this way, it makes me feel weak & alienated.
Who wants to be around somebody with a semi-permanent chip on their shoulder? Nobody, that's who.
It may be because we are basically NTNP right now, because for the last two months & this month, Dylan is/will be MIA during "prime time".
So, I can't even be proactive until October & that's a big "IF". I never knew how crazy it would drive me, this "waiting" game. I'm no good at it.
To top it off, I'm just "torturous" enough to come home from the party ( The jewelry, not the pity, I'm still on that) & start looking up baby items (Cloth diapers, carseat covers, baby bedding, etc). I haven't done that in well over a year. It's unhealthy, but in a weird, unlogical way, it made me feel closer to my ultimate goal. Reminded me what I'm fighting against all odds for.
I know in Gods time, whatever is to be, will be, but right now, at this moment, I am hurting. I am drained. I am tired. ((sigh))
