Can't Win for Losing

I swear, kick me while I'm down, Universe.

I spoke with our social worker this morning about starting the Foster-To-Adopt classes in September.
I informed her that Dyan has out-of-state training for the 1st two classes, as he will gone Sept 9-24th.
She said we BOTH have to attend ALL the classes to get liscensed. May I say this sucks SO bad!

So, now, instead of being able to be completly done in October, we have to wait until Spring to start the classes.

I'm so bummed. :/

I have been so excited about starting this new "journey".
And, now, it's ANOTHER thing put on hold in my life.

Thanks alot ARMY. Thanks alot.

Back to Womack

I called this morning to switch my insurance back over to Tricare Prime. Boo.

Although I didn't want to, financially, it was the best decision for us right now.
For those that don't know, I saw a doctor through an ARMY hospital for 1.5yrs. I had 4 miscarriages under his care. He was wretched...Seemed like he could care less about us or our situation. He said he preferred I have more than 3 miscarriages before he did ANY testing. I could go on & on about his incompetence, but long story short, I despised being under his care.
I told him that I suspected having PCOS, as some family members of mine have it & he said "Oh, no, you don't have PCOS. You don't have any symptoms of it, so no need to test for it".

Well, once I decided I had enough of him, I switched insurance to Tricare Standard, & although I had to pay out of pocket, I got to see any doctor of my choice.
So, Dylan & I chose one of the best Reproductive Endocrinologists in our state. He was 2 hours away, but well worth it!

On my first appointment with him, he did an ultrasound & BAM...Within seconds, he said, "Oh, you have PCOS". Did bloodwork to confirm.

I was shocked & sad, but relieved to FINALLY have an actual diagnosis, other than "unexplained infertility". An answer, finally.

Well, 6 months later, no pregnancy, no baby, nothing. Just TONS of medical bills with my name on them.

So, against what my heart wants, we have made the choice to switch back to Tricare Prime, where my care is free, or close to it, anyway.
I'm hoping now that my doctor knows it's been 2 yrs with 4 losses & I have PCOS, he will take me more seriously.
I'm not able to use my Tricare Prime until September 1st, but once I go back, we will do an IUI with injectables.
In the meantime, I am doing the natural method..I'm on Metformin, Cinnamon, Vitamin D, Geritol, Fish Oil, & Vitex.
Looking into acupuncture, as well.
So, hopefully, by Christmas, I can go home to visit family, sporting a baby bump <3

~Infertility~

Soon it will be August.

That means that we have OFFICIALLY been trying to conceive for 2 years.
Now, to most people, that doesn't seem like a lifetime, but to me, it feels like it.
Never in my wildest nightmares, did I think I would have to endure this "lifestyle" for so long.
2 years of watching everyone around me give birth. 2 years of watching pieces of my little hope dwindle away. 2 years of watching myself be a failure, front & center. 2 years of seeing my husbands "trying to hide the fact that I'm distraught for her sake" face as I tell him "It's a negative". 2 years of my body getting worse & worse with every month that passes. Knowing that there's a big possibility I may NEVER give birth to my very own miracle. 2 years of dealing with losing my babies, because of this disease, called PCOS. 2 years, crying myself to sleep, or driving down the highway after leaving my doctors office to find out my body is failing me. 2 years of nobody understanding. 2 years of hearing people say to me " It will happen when the time is right" or " In Gods Time" or " Just relax & it will happen". 2 years of watching my self- esteem & self-confidence be float away.
Now does 2 years seems like a long time?

I think so many women go through life experiencing infertility, but are too scared to talk about, in fear of feeling like the "odd ball out".
But, I think that's exactly what we should do. Talk about it.
In todays society, infertility is somewhat a "taboo".
People that don't experience it are too afraid to talk about, in fear of hurting someones feelings.
All the while, women who do experience it, are too afraid to talk about, in fear of putting people in an aqkuard situation or feeling like a blubbering idiot.

But, if we don't talk about it, who will?
Women all around the world need to know that they aren't alone.
That it's not their fault.
That it doesn't make you any less of a woman or person.

If I had one wish for this world, I would take away infertility.
To me, it is the most cruel disease out there.
It affects so many aspects of a womans life.
I hurt not only for myself, but for all the other women out there who live with this, day to day.

I have no "happy" ending to this blog, but I know that one day I will.
One day, I will have a baby in my arms. Whether it be from my womb, or somebody elses.
One day, somebody will call me Mommy. <3